Not Like the Movies

Hey everybody! Today has been super rough! Relationships are so hard.  I mean, it’s so hard to live with another human being.  One thing I’m definitely not is a fan of conflict.  It seems, however, that my day has been filled with it.  It’s not always easy for me to find the good in things.  Actually, it’s not easy at all.  Today has been filled with a ton of arguing. The kind of arguing that makes you wanna disappear for a really long time.  I know most of it is my fault and that makes it even worse.  I’m so hard on myself even when I try not to be.  When I’m in the middle of a “heated discussion” and I feel I’m being attacked, I go into protection mode.  I do this when I’m hurt too.  When I enter this place, it’s not so pleasant for others. I shut down and become ice cold.  You seriously could call me the “ice queen” at this point. It takes a while for me to break out of this.  It’s something that I really do not like about myself.  All of this drives me crazy because I have no idea how to change it.  I get lost in this “protection zone” and it appears to others that I really don’t care about the issue at hand.  In all reality, it’s the complete opposite. For me to get to this point, I’m dying inside.  I’m hurting so bad and I’m not sure how to deal with it or communicate it.  I am continually stumbling over this.  It seems as though it is never ending.  I’m really not sure at all how to fix it.  It’s something I’ve known about myself for a really long time.  At times, I’ve felt so hopeless about it all.  I no longer feel hopeless to change it, I just get EXTREMELY frustrated trying to do so.  It makes my relationships so hard.  Not just my relationship with my fiancé; relationships of all kinds.  Of course, it’s more difficult in my relationship with my family and fiancé though.  I make it very difficult for my fiancé to keep trying.  It gets so tiring hitting the same wall over and over. I’ve been in that situation.  For some reason, he keeps trying with me.   I believe it’s because he loves me and knows the REAL me.  I am so incredibly grateful for him.  I’m trying.  I’m trying to find new ways to cope.  I need healthy ways.  Any suggestions at all would be great.  I definitely need some help with this one.  I mean, am I the only one that struggles with this?

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