I find myself slipping into a very familiar state of depression. It sucks. I definitely do not want to be stuck in this spot. I know this is late but I’m writing it anyway. The 4th was extremely hard for me. I, in no way, am trying to sound ungrateful. I have just felt so down lately. Bottom line, I struggle with holidays. All I’ve ever done is party. Sad. I don’t want to party anymore and I’m struggling with things to do. I’ve been with Kevin for 1 1/2 years and have not watched fireworks with him once. I’ve lost all joy in things I loved before drugs. I’m completely out of my comfort zone without them. It’s so sad. How in the world did I get here? Maybe I just need to take a good hard look at myself. Maybe I’m having the world’s biggest pity party. I can’t stay there if so. Nobody has time for that. Eh, well, I kinda am. I really don’t like this being honest with myself thing. I hate admitting I’m playing the world’s smallest violin. I get jealous and feel sorry for myself sometimes because other can party and be “normal.” I am just not “normal” at all. I’m trying so hard to embrace that. I know this is a little bit everywhere but it’s my head. I stayed in the bed all day and night on the 4th. I stayed in my head entirely too much. I should have gotten up and done something, but I didn’t. I just don’t know what to do sober. There’s really no one around here that understands or can help. Most people here don’t want to get better. So sad. I need help. What can I do sober? What did or do you guys do? I know I probably sound crazy and completely ungrateful but I’m truly not. I’m sorry about the pity party guys. I have way too much to be grateful for to be feeling sorry for myself. Could you please help me, though? Please give me some suggestions on things to do sober. Thanks for taking the time to read this and help me. I appreciate it more than you know.