Walk

It’s official.  I hate.  I’ve tried and tried and tried and tried.  So many more tries could be added to that.  I just can’t take anymore.  I have given all of me. I have been more vulnerable than I have ever been in my life.  I have went above and beyond.  I have sacrificed myself. I have allowed myself to be disrespected, cheated on, lied to, verbally and physically abused, manipulated, etc.  At one point, I was in love. I thought for sure I had found my soul-mate.  We communicated with each other. We had issues and worked through them together.  We didn’t allow drama to be started or remain in our lives.  We protected each other.  We treated each other with love and respect.  We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other.  Notice how I said we.  We ended a long time ago. We ended when he cheated on me.  We ended when he hit me.  We ended each and every time he cursed me and called me names.  We ended every time he tried to pick another female up on Facebook.  We ended with every betrayal.  We ended with the abuse of Xanax.  Sadly, we have just ended.  I gave him entirely too much.  I allowed him to control every area of my life.  My thoughts are no longer my own.  This is such a miserable way to live.  The love I once had for this man has turned to hate. I am allowing myself to be destroyed.  I have listened to him tell me “When you really love somebody you don’t leave them no matter what they do.”  I have allowed him to manipulate me and make me think that if I do leave, I do not love him.  I know and have known that is not true.  I have just become so tired.  The kind of tired sleep won’t fix.  Exhausted.  Too much so to fight anymore. I can’t take one more second of being put down.  I can’t take one more second of me trying so hard only to be told how stupid I am.  I’m not good enough. I’m worthless.  It is always something.  Always something negative. Always.  He never tries to build me up.  He always tears me down.  It’s as though he loves me feeling beneath him. It’s like it makes him feel better.  He does no wrong.  I apologize for both of us.  I have even apologized to others for his behavior.  How humiliating!  Why do I do this to myself? No more! I am tired! I am done! I deserve better! I deserve respect! The hate I feel is going to destroy me if I don’t put a stop to it.  I will not allow it! I deserve better! I will get better! I am not God! I can’t bring something that is dead back to life.  As bad as I hate to admit it, I have tried.  I cannot save him.  To say that I’m happy to leave would be a lie.  My heart is breaking.  But I know what I must do to save ME – that’s who is important now.  I hear his voice in my head.  I hope I am strong enough.  God give me strength.  Save my life.

Mirror Required


 I want to try something and I’m hoping (fingers crossed) you will participate with me.  Forgive me for slacking these last few days.  I have had so much on my mind.  I’m not making excuses at all.  I’m just stating why.  However, I know I have been slacking and I’m sorry.  Now, here goes.  What, if anything, would you have done differently today? I’ll go ahead and share.  I hope you will share with me.

What, if anything, would I have done differently today?

Oh my, today has been kinda hard for me.  I’m honestly not sure where to begin.  Today, I would have went to church.  I know it’s Saturday but it was a special service. I’m struggling spiritually.  In all honesty, lately, I have not been in an environment that is conducive to my growth at all.  I make sure I read and pray as much as possible.  The enemy is using the people I love the most to attack me.  It’s heartbreaking.  I know they don’t realize he’s using them, but it still hurts all the same.  

So there ya go, that’s one thing I’d do differently today.  Now it’s your turn! 1…2…3…GO!!

What, if anything, would you have done differently today?

 Beautiful Survivor! 

Hey guys! I want to introduce you to a great friend of mine, Eukie Ward.  I asked Eukie if I could share some of her story and she said yes! Before you read anything from her, I want to say a few things.  I have known this amazing woman for a couple years now.  I have watched her go through so much.  I’ve seen her angry, happy, sad, sleepy, grumpy, and super serious. 😜. Seriously, there really are no words to describe her.  She has been a huge inspiration to me throughout my recovery.  No matter what Eukie has been through, she has always kept her faith.  She is an incredibly beautiful person – inside and out.  She is definitely one that uses her struggles to help others and her talents to glorify God.  It doesn’t matter what she is going through or how she is feeling, if I need her; she has and will come to me.  This is my friend, sister, and inspiration.  This is Eukie.

* Eukie and her babies at the beach.  They have a sober mama that has OVERCOME addiction!!*


                  Before and After

* Eukie’s mugshots while in active addiction. This is Eukie in recovery! Eukie’s babies enjoying life with a SOBER mom!*

Now, this is Eukie’s story in her own words.

“It’s amazing to look back on my life and see where God has brought me from.  Honestly, I could write a story about everything I have been through and OVERCOME. I was in addiction for many years.  God delivered me!! He broke the chains of addiction!  I have been blessed to be able to work with women who have been where I once was.  It was an honor to help them through their struggles.  After overcoming addiction,  I was faced with the hardest thing anybody could ever face in their life.  My husband was arrested and taken to jail.  I was devestated.  I thought my life was over.  A year later, I realized that this season of my life was over.  We divorced.  I had now become a single mother of two beautiful children.  I didn’t know what I was going to do. I just knew in my heart that everything happens for a reason.  I knew God was going to see us through.  It was definitely a terrible time in our lives.  However, I kept my head high and kept fighting.  I was fighting for those two precious children God had blessed me with. People were cruel.  We were talked about and looked down upon.  In the midst of it all, God kept us safe.  He had a plan!  Everything I lost, God gave back to me.  It’s overwhelming!!  He didn’t just give me back what I once had; He gave me that plus so much more.  Today, we are wonderful.  I look back and see God in everything.  There is no way anyone, in their own strength, could overcome what I did.  It was only through Him that I survived.  I am here today because of God.  I have overcome addiction and a nasty divorce.  I’m so thankful that I’m here today to share my story.  Whatever you face in life, please know God is with you.  You may not feel Him but He is there.  I am living proof there is HOPE!  Keep moving forward!  Don’t ever look back!  There will be roadblocks; just trust in God and He will surely see you through!!”                                                                       

                                  – Eukie Ward

Prince Charming


I absolutely have to share this with everybody! God has truly blessed me with the most amazing person on Earth.  He is so fabulous that I just have to share him with you guys.  Okay, okay! I mean, share how I feel about him.  Let you meet him.  Hands off, though! He’s mine!  I want to introduce Brian Kevin Sigmon II.  Kevin. My Kevin.  This man is the love of my life.  I’ve known who he was basically my whole life.  We live in a super small town.  Everybody knows everybody.  If they don’t know you, they’ll act like they do.  It’s all so crazy, really.  We used to hang around the same people and places, but somehow we always missed each other.  I’ve always thought he was extremely handsome but his reputation sucked.  I always wanted to approach him but kept my distance.  I was too afraid.  Insecure.  My love has also struggled with addiction.  He was known around town to be a “player.”  I was protecting myself and not going there.  About a year and a half ago, a recovery group in my town decided to have a “get together.”  My friend and I decided to go and see what it was all about.  They needed help setting things up and we volunteered.  As I’m standing there, this handsome man walks by and simply says “what’s up?”  I smiled and said “hey,” then continued setting up.  I texted my friend, who was standing right in front of me, and asked if that was who I thought it was.  Sure enough, of all people, it was Kevin Sigmon.  Oh my goodness, he was at a recovery event?!  I hardly recognized him.  Drugs had definitely taken a toll on him.  However, he was still so handsome.  He was really trying to get better. I was happy for him.  I went home that night and just could NOT stop thinking about him! It was driving me crazy! Why in the world was I thinking about Kevin Sigmon?! That night or the next day, I sent his mom a message on Facebook.  I told her to let him know if he needed a friend, I was here.  She gratefully responded to me.  Still, I could not stop thinking about him.  I felt drawn to him.  What was going on? I decided to message him directly.  I told him I knew how hard it was and he was not alone.  Oh my! He responded! For some reason, I’m giddy and nervous.  What was going on with me?  We continued messaging each other and he asked me if I wanted to hang out.  I was so nervous.  Of course, I said yes! A few days later, I was hanging out with him.  He was so easy to talk to.  I was having so much fun with him.  It wasn’t much longer after seeing him that we decided to give a relationship a shot. Over a year and a half  later and here we are.  I was never sure about the whole “soul mate” thing.  I was definitely a skeptic.  WAS is the key word there.  I truly believe with all my heart that I have found my soul mate.  We fit perfectly together in every single way.  We connect and get along so well.  He asked me to marry him! I said YES!!  Andrea Sigmon.  I dream about it.  I am so beyond blessed.  I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend.  I’m not saying our relationship is perfect.  It definitely isn’t.  When it’s good, it’s good.  When it’s bad, it’s bad.  We have both fallen so many times but we have been there to help each other up.  I look at this man and I am amazed.  I have had the great, awesome, amazing, pleasure of watching him grow and change. 

 Sadly, I have left before.  I hated it.  Something was missing.  I felt like somebody had died.  I just cannot be without him.  See, when things are bad and scary, I run.  That’s what I do.  It’s what I’m good at.  Well, I should say, what I used to do.  Kevin has shown me that I was running from our problems.  It hurt him.  I promised God, myself, and Kevin that I would not run anymore. No matter what was done, I was wrong to run. I had to face our issues.  Today, I love this man more and more every second. Sometimes, I feel like I’m going to explode because I love him so much.  Other times, I want to stab him in the eyeballs.  Nobody has ever or can ever make me feel the way Kevin does.  It’s so hard to explain.  I’ve tried to communicate it but it’s difficult.  Just a simple touch on my arm and I melt.  I still get butterflies around him.  I still look at him in amazement.  I’m so proud to introduce him to you.  My baby is awesome! He is my lover, best friend, and protector.  He’s the one that can make me laugh until my stomach hurts.  He’s the only one that can make me melt just by looking at me.  He has grown so much.  I’m so very proud of him.  He’s amazing.  I can see an awesome future with him.  I’ve never been able to do that before!  We have been through so much in this last year and a half.  Thank God we are still going strong.  We are still together.  We fight to be with each other and refuse to let anything tear us apart.  Kevin is my life partner.  I get to spend the rest of my life with this amazing man.  I cannot wait!  When he hugs me, I know I’m safe.  He’s got my back.  He’s beautiful.  I don’t see negative when I look at him.  I see amazing potential and a person God is going to use to change the world.  My best friend has NO idea how much I love him.  I’m so grateful that I get to be his wife.  This is him guys – my love, best friend, protector, safety, and comfort.  He’s the one I run to when I’m happy, sad, excited, or depressed.  This is Kevin Sigmon.  I am so incredibly blessed that God put him in my life.  Thank you for letting me share him with you!  I love you, baby! 💜

Not My Problem! 

         
Hey guys! I hope all is well! There seems to be a tiny issue.  Some people just do not like some of my posts.  I just want to say – I will not apologize for anything I write. I openly and honestly write about my experiences or how I feel.  If for some reason it offends you, just know that it is MY feelings and opinions.  We do not have to agree on everything. However, we can be adults and agree to disagree.  I am not being rude or mean.  I am honest and not afraid to say how I feel about things.  I’m also not afraid to say what I think about something.  Just from my experience, when I get upset over something like this, it’s usually because I’m looking in the mirror. What is being said is, most of the time, hitting a nerve.  In other words, I’m usually guilty of what’s being talked about and I do not like it.  My intention is not to hurt or offend anybody.  I just want to, hopefully, help others through my experiences.  I don’t feel that I can reach anybody if I am not completely honest.  I will not apologize for my feelings.  I have spent most of my life apologizing for my feelings, opinions, and existence.  I cannot and will not do that anymore.  So, please feel free to speak openly and honestly with me.  Thank you for your opinions and feelings.  Thank you for sharing even if we don’t agree.  Our feelings are ours.  Our feelings are valid! Never ever apologize for how you feel! 

Gratitude List

       
I thought I’d make a list of 5 things I’m grateful for today.  Gratitude is so important for me.  When I want to feel sorry for myself, gratitude puts me in check super fast.  So, thought I’d share my 5 things with you guys today.

  1. I’m grateful that I can have a personal relationship with Jesus.  I’m grateful that He made me imperfectly perfect and He loves me.
  2. I’m grateful for life.  I’m grateful to just be alive because I shouldn’t be.
  3. I’m grateful that I can worship my God however I see fit. I’m grateful that I don’t have to hide to worship.
  4. I’m grateful for my fiancé, Kevin.  He is my best friend and I can’t imagine my life without him. 
  5. I’m grateful for my family.  I’m grateful for a mother that loves and supports me. I’m grateful for my amazingly beautiful niece and nephew.

I guess if you break it down, I actually have more than 5 things.  At one point, it was so hard for me to come up with anything.  My life was so dark and I was so hopeless. I prayed for death.  Now I feel like I could go on forever! That’s awesome! 

What are some things you are grateful for? Let’s have a gratitude party! Jump on in!

Lost


I find myself slipping into a very familiar state of depression.  It sucks.  I definitely do not want to be stuck in this spot.  I know this is late but I’m writing it anyway.  The 4th was extremely hard for me.  I, in no way, am trying to sound ungrateful.  I have just felt so down lately.  Bottom line, I struggle with holidays.  All I’ve ever done is party.  Sad.  I don’t want to party anymore and I’m struggling with things to do.  I’ve been with Kevin for 1 1/2 years and have not watched fireworks with him once.  I’ve lost all joy in things I loved before drugs.  I’m completely out of my comfort zone without them.  It’s so sad.  How in the world did I get here?   Maybe I just need to take a good hard look at myself.  Maybe I’m having the world’s biggest pity party.  I can’t stay there if so.  Nobody has time for that.  Eh, well, I kinda am.  I really don’t like this being honest with myself thing.  I hate admitting I’m playing the world’s smallest violin. I get jealous and feel sorry for myself sometimes because other can party and be “normal.”  I am just not “normal” at all.  I’m trying so hard to embrace that.  I know this is a little bit everywhere but it’s my head.  I stayed in the bed all day and night on the 4th.  I stayed in my head entirely too much.  I should have gotten up and done something, but I didn’t.  I just don’t know what to do sober.  There’s really no one around here that understands or can help.  Most people here don’t want to get better.  So sad.  I need help.  What can I do sober? What did or do you guys do?  I know I probably sound crazy and completely ungrateful but I’m truly not.  I’m sorry about the pity party guys.  I have way too much to be grateful for to be feeling sorry for myself.  Could you please help me, though? Please give me some suggestions on things to do sober.  Thanks for taking the time to read this and help me.  I appreciate it more than you know.